Colette Marie Murphy

I meant to write this post sooner — on Day 100, in fact — but my week got away from me. Ah well. The same points will stand true on Day 107 (and counting).

If you’re new to this journey for me, I suggest reading my Day 1 post and my One Month In post. You can also read my book review of Sober Curious by Ruby Washington. I’ve read some other sobriety “quit lit” (or books that at least touch on/mention sobriety), but I didn’t write full reviews of them.

If you’ve been here since Day 1 — or at least noticed me posting about it — you’ll notice a deliberate shift in the language I’m using. “Sober Curious” was a term I wrestled with early on, and it seemed to fit, but now I’m enjoying/using the term “Alcohol Free.”

Because, freeing is a great word to describe the past one hundred (and seven) days.

As I said in my Day 1 blog, one of the issues with Sober/Sober Curious as a label is, socially (in the United States, at least), there’s an immediate negative assumption/judgement of “oh, wow, so you were/are an alcoholic…”

First of all – we as humans really need to get better about how we treat/think about addiction.

Second – no, I wasn’t an alcoholic. The fact that I could quit cold turkey with no medical intervention, rehabilitation, or structured program and last 107 days and counting with no issue is a solid sign that I did not have an addicition. What I did have was lingering questions/concerns/feelings that kept sprining up around my consumption of alcohol. Questions like the ones @youdonthavetodrink posted on Instagram as an alternative to the question “do I have a drinking problem?” Those questions are:

• When I drink, what are the odds something bad will happen?
• When I drink, how often to I wake up regretting something I said or did?
• When I drink, how hard do I try to set limits for myself? How often do I exceed those limits?
• How much space in my mind & in my schedule does drinking occupy?
• How often do I do things out of alignment with my morals & values when I drink?
• Does drinking bring me closer or further from my goals (mentally, physically, emotionally, financially)?

And, when I started this — and throughout the last 107 days as I reflected on my time drinking — I didn’t feel good about a lot of those answers. I’d already made the decision to go alcohol free, but answering those questions helped solidify my decision and move me from the gray area of “sober curious” to just being sober/alcohol free.

In the past 107 days, and especially between Day 30 and Day 100, I encountered a lot more “sober firsts.” There were some I assumed would be more challenging than others before I went into them, including reuniting with former coworkers who always drank at social events, going on a two-week-long vacation, seeing two plays (one at a winery, one where we always got the pre-show cocktail), and going to two bars to hear live music. But, being in those situations, I actually found them much easier than I anticipated*.

(*This is not entirely surprising for as someone who has an anxiety disorder I do nothing quite as well as I worry about just how bad something could be…)

I think some of this could be attributed to my mindset shift around drinking, which the book Atomic Habits: An Easy and Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones by James Clear affirmed somewhat:

The ultimate form of intrinsic motivation is when a habit becomes part of your identity. It’s one thing to say I’m the type of person who wants this. It’s something very different to say I’m the type of person who is this. […] Research has shown that once a person believes in a particular aspect of their identity, they are more likely to act in alignment with that belief.

Atomic Habits, Chapter Two: “How Your Habits Shape Your Identity (and Vice Versa)”

So, for example, rather than “I’m just doing Dry July” or “I want to quit drinking” or “I’m a damp drinker/I am cutting back,” it’s so much easier (FOR ME!*) to say “I don’t drink alcohol” or “I am alcohol free.” It’s a new part of my identity.

*Friendly reminder here — this is all personal. If you want to quit drinking or cut back on your drinking or become alcohol free, okay! Good for you! If you’re reading this with a beer in your hand thinking “well, that’s not gonna work for or apply to me,” okay! Good for you! This is neither a recommendation nor a guidebook; it’s just my story.

Speaking of the personal, there are some things I personally am willing to do that other folks who are sober/alcohol free might not be willing to do, for any number of reasons. For example…

DRINK NON-ALCOHOLIC or ZERO PROOF or ALCOHOL FREE BEER/WINE/SPIRITS. For a product to get an AF/NA/ZP label in the United States, it must have less than 0.5% ABV (alcohol by volume). There are some folks for whom these are too triggering/too close to the real thing. There are some folks for whom even the trace amounts of alcohol cause reactions. For me, I’m okay with these and have been working them in to my rotation of beverages (I wrote about ritual before). Of the ones I’ve tried so far, I really like Atheltic Brewing Co, Proxies, Surely, Recess, and Monday so far. I have more on my list to try, too!

GO TO WINERIES AND/OR BARS WITH OTHER PEOPLE. I don’t mind being around people drinking. I’m happy to order a soda or a water. More places have started offering a good NA menu too, which is great! Now, granted, I probably would not be interested in joining someone on, say, a full day of wine tasting at multiple wineries, but if you wanted to do lunch at one? You enjoy your glass of wine, I’ll enjoy my glass of something else, we both enjoy the food + ambiance? That I am more than happy to do!

HAVE ALCOHOL IN MY HOUSE. My husband is not on the same AF/sober journey that I am, and that’s okay! Alcohol can exist in my house. Granted, he is cutting way back and we’re not really replacing any of it, so this might not even be the case for long, but again, for now, having alcohol around is fine.

Do I still have anxiety about upcoming “sober firsts” I haven’t encountered yet (first sober birthday, first sober holiday season, first sober trip to Las Vegas…)? Yes, of course I do! But the further along I am in this journey, the less anxiety I feel, because the more this just becomes a part of who I am now not just a “thing I’m doing.”

Now, some people have asked if I’ve noticed any other big changes, and…maybe? I know quitting drinking can improve heart health (lower triglycerides/cholesterol), but I haven’t had a blood draw since going AF, so I don’t know if/how my numbers have changed yet. Quitting can also cause you to lose weight, but I don’t own a scale…I guess some of my clothes might fit a little better? Some things, like a lower risk of cancer or liver disease, aren’t really things I can track. Things I have noticed in the past 107 days:

LOWER STRESS/ANXIETY/DEPRESSION. Not only less instances of these, but also being much more adept at processing and coping with them when they do occur. Could an extended relaxing vacation also have helped with those? I mean, sure, of course! But vacation brings its own stresses – especially when road-tripping with a dog who has never been away from home, in an EV with a limited battery range! – and even those felt much more manageable than things felt, say, a year ago.

IMPROVED SLEEP. I used to wake up a lot during the night, especially if I had an alcohol within a few hours of going to bed. I don’t do that anymore. (improved sleep might also be helping with the lower stress/anxiety stuff).

GENERAL “FEELING GOOD” IMPROVEMENT. I’m not really sure how to explain this one, and I can’t tell you if it is for sure related to the not drinking, but… Okay, well, first, a bit of science: it can take up to seven days for alcohol to fully leave your system and for the effects of a single drink to fade, so even if you’re only drinking on the weekends, for example (as I was doing for a while), your body is never truly fully “empty” of alcohol. It might not seem like the two glasses of wine on Saturday could still make you feel crummy on Thursday, but — according to all the research I’ve seen/read, anyway — it can. So, anyway, within the past month or so especially, I’ve noticed myself just generally feeling better on average. Like, if life is on a scale of 1-10, and my “average day” was a 3-4 before, it’s closer to a 5 now.

So, that’s my first 100 days and then some. I still have a lot to process, and, like I said, I still have some things looming on the horizon that are making me a little nervous. I do plan on continuing to write about this journey at certain milestones, at least through my first year. Stay tuned!